Sunshine On My Shoulder

It seems like the clouds have lifted. I feel great excitement laying to rest each night, knowing what waits for me when I wake the next day. The feeling is different than in the past. As my conscience once told me, the feeling would hit with a great and more purposeful impact when it was meant too - and I now know it was the truth. It is hard to explain simply the impulse that flows from the sensations surrounding me. It feels like a weight has been lifted and given me more to strive for and better things to look forward too than I had before. The sense of worry is present as is the past, but now it feels much lighter and less troublesome than it ever has been. Every departure only brings anxiety for the next meeting. The images of each meeting are vividly implanted in my head and grow larger as the days go by. I set out to prove myself as promised, and I intend to do so with all that I have. I have nothing holding me down, and time is on my side. I pray that the healed scars will not be opened as they were so many times before. I feel strongly enough that I've learned my fair share of lessons and learned from my mistakes, so that I don't stumble into any traps as I have so many times. It all feels like a fresh start and its utterly amazing and excitingly new. My head is clear and free to dream. I juggle thoughts of the road ahead and hope that they aren't in vain. Part of me stands back, while the other is full steam. In due time all of me will move forward, but for now I set to make her a believer. To stand behind my words and give what I said I could. I have no reason to think it's for naught. Soon enough the light will shine and the rivers will meet in the end. From then on the proof will stand and the smiles will shine on. I can't wait for that day - when the realization comes through. For now I keep my shine on and feel the comfort of knowing that each day brings more than the day before.

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik

In The Clouds

What does it take to win someone's heart? We have a fear of moving too fast or not fast enough. I suppose life always works itself out. I feel the excitment of showing my worth, but I worry that I won't have the chance. Hindsight is 20/20. Timing is everything. I hope that the odd week to come isn't enough to instill fear of being the norm. I hope that both hearts and minds are in the same position. She must know that its all for real. I pray that the time passes and the smiles flow freely. My heart will be my guide for the next few weeks. My mind is overloaded and I hope to integrate what I have now with what I know would be more than amazing. I can't deny that I'm scared - I suppose its only natural. I'm scared of it ending just as quick as it started, or that she won't be there when I call. I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen, but the fear will be there until her glow overtakes it.

A Fresh Start

Doors open and close. Opportunities come and go. The days I've trudged through have passed slowly at best. In time good things happen. Situations arise when least expected in the most unexpected ways. I thought nothing much of it at the start, but I know now that I couldn't have more wrong. I can't deny I was excited from the start, but I never could have known just how incredible it would turn out. I've learned from my past not to jump to conclusions. I won't make any assumptions. All the right answers were given to all the important questions. I had to pinch myself more than once in the five hour span and I'm thankful it didn't all disappear. Unbelievably comfortable and no less than amazing. Her eyes and her smile that lit the room. I can still see her glow. We talked endlessly and without regret. Her laugh intrigued me. We held nothing back. She accepted my offer to dance and couldn't have made me happier. The past months seem to slip from my mind. Time was lost to me and it didn't matter. Not in recent memory have I been able to be myself with someone as well as I was at this moment. I find it tough now to put into words the emotions that seep through me. The smile that appeared on my face a few short hours ago still lingers about and will most likely remain for quite a while. A part of me - as I'm sure her as well - wonders if it was all a flash out of reality. I'll set out to prove what its worth. To back up my words and not be any less than what I said I was. I have no doubt about fulfilling my end and only hope to see the same. I could go on and on but I can only pray that I have more inspiration in the upcoming days. My mind will be full for hours. The glow that surrounded me has gone for the moment, but with all good intentions will return in a short time. I think of her smile and her eyes. In my head they will remain. As I've said I've learned from my past and won't make assumptions. I hope for all the good that I feel to come out in time. I miss her already.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne

Incense And Peppermints

I never knew what it was liked to be cracked in the face with a left hook. All my years and never once did I get to know what it was like. I'm not saying it as if it were a good experience, just not sure how I made it so long without getting cranked. So anyway, it was a long story, and I caught the tail end of a left hook that was totally uncalled for. I spent about 4 hours in the ER getting my lip sewed up by a cosmetic surgeon. It was a great time. Only the second time in my life I've even been in the hospital too if ya believe that. So here I am now, I cant eat for about a week or so I don't get a big ol' lip infection. Joyous times for sure.

In other news, I got a message from a friend today that I haven't seen in ages. She's been seeing someone for two months or so, and it made me think (again) about my life. I haven't heard from her in a while and I kinda miss her being single and us talking all the time. Not much you can do though, I'm totally happy for her. I still sit and wonder when my time will come. I see all the people around me disappear with someone else every time I turn around. I know I've had my fair share, but it seems like the dry spell is lasting a bit too long. I think I'm in the whole phase where I have just decided to not think about it and see what happens. I'm tired of actively pursuing it and having nothing - so if I forget about it then its just the same right? I feel like the endless circle just goes on and on. I sit here today, after a loooong weekend, watching the snow fall - and wonder what it is I'm doing. I think about having someone to call and talk too, someone to come over and comfort me. Tis the season to be jolly. My spirits are still flying high - I'll keep my fingers crossed.

For What Its Worth

The minutes tick by and turn into weeks months and years. I talk to more people and see more things and watch more movies. Still I wonder when my time is. In that all out pursuit for the girl of my dreams. I've stumbled so many times along the way, and never quite made it. I go through my daily routine and try not to think about it, yet it still brews inside me. I think about when it will come. When I'll find the one I adore. To spend my days and nights with. To go on road trips or accompany me to family functions. The one I get butterflies about. I think of all the ones before that have been left behind. I envy those around me that have what I long for. I tell myself it will all come in time, but some days I'm not so sure. As I start to put myself back on a straight track and have a fresh start, I can't help but add that into my list of to do's. I know its out there - it has to be. I've said over and over I'm stuck in a monotonous routine of life. I want to break free of it and change my ways and have something to wake up to. I want someone to be there by my side when I need it. Someone who makes me smile and always wants to hear my voice. Someone to talk about with to my family and friends. To make me smile at the thought. Someone to come home too and drink wine with. Someone to make me feel something special. Everyday I go about my business and I'm overwhelmed by those that have beaten me to it. I think about where they are and what they do and can't help but notice the smiles on their faces. I haven't been out in ages. There have been no present opportunities to do so with anyone for any reason. I miss those days. The quiet nights on a Village sidewalk with some good wine and the sounds around us. The long walks in the park with the snow falling on our heads. Where did the time go? It seems like I had it all planned out and just never pulled through. I leave my phone at the ready and my porch light is always on. I wait for my doorbell to ring or to hear a voice that rings in my ears. I hope that someone is sitting and waiting just the same, and our paths will cross before its too late. As it is I sit and ponder, as I usually do, and hope for the best.

"You can’t make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth."

When you're down you're down ....

It seems like life comes in swells. When you're up you're up, and when you're down you're down. The bundles of happiness and sorrow seem to flow in like waves hitting the sand. They come in at a fast pace, ready to roll over anything in the way. After they crash and make their mark, another one is waiting right behind. It continues on and on and never ends. Just when I thought I had everything flowing back in the right direction, I get stunned with all types of things from different angles. I was just at the border, ready to crossover in my new realm, and the wave hit me and took me back even further than I would have thought. Problems brewed from everywhere. I woke up and felt like shit each day. I felt like my body was on fire day after day and I was just waiting to explode. I felt like some people were turning, and others were drifting away.



My plan for revitalization was falling apart and everything was a mess. I just from one extreme to the other in a heartbeat. I had strangers from the past arrive at my door, and got ripped to shreds by someone close when I least expected it. I suppose people sometimes don't think about the effects of their actions - physically or verbally - and they just let it out and its over. They never contemplate the course it takes on the receiver. I was a the end of a receiving line and I know, no matter what my conscience or constant spread of happiness wants to do, they will never regret it or apologize and I will be left to repair something I didn't break. It sucks really, but perhaps I'm a better person for it? Who knows. So yet another day where I try to put the pieces of the puzzle that is my life back together. I feel like I can crawl through a few days, up the ladder in the right direction, and then I fall off and have to start again. Its a drag really. I wish that for once everything could fall into place. The hecticness that I have would spread into normality, and my stress could be turned down to low. My numbers would match up, and I would look forward to waking up in the morning and starting my day. I wish that sometimes people didn't have little surprises in store that always seemed to spring at the wrong moment. If they stopped to look around once in a while, they could see things from the other side and maybe crack a smile and give up on hating life. I am still ever thankful for my once constant smile that is my saving grace. I'm surrounded by the tunes of sorrow mixed with joy and I attempt to sort everything the best I can. Day by day. So it goes ...

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. - Carl Jung

Ready, Shoot, Aim

Sometimes I don’t understand how I get myself into things. It seems that one minute everything is going great, and the next is a big bowl of stress soup. My friend put it best – saying I use the “Ready, Shoot, Aim”. Everything goes so smooth for a time, that I don’t think twice when I get myself into things that I shouldn’t. Days minutes or hours float by and then I get kicked in the ass and realize what I did. I suddenly see the consequences of my previous actions and they unfold while I’m kicking myself in the ass. I just go through my days and fail to think about my actions most of the time. I think I’m engulfed in so much monotony that I never really feel the need. Everything is so routine to me that when the time comes to make conscious intelligent choices, all thinking escapes me and I do what gratifies me for the moment. It’s not until it comes around to me again that I realize the error of my ways. You would think that as I get older I would get smarter and learn from my mistakes. Sometimes it feels like things get worse as the days go by. Like I never learn anything from my experiences. There are times where I sit and analyze my situation and try to set myself straight. I think about what I’ve done, and try to make sure I don’t let myself end up in bad spots in the future. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I guess all in all I just wish I had better judgment. I never set out to hurt anyone, but more times than not that is how it ends up. When it comes back around to me, my guilty conscience kicks in and I’m left out to dry; only having myself to blame. It’s one big vicious circle and it makes me tired and leaves me wondering if I can ever pull out and move on to bigger and better things. I suppose as time floats by I will hopefully learn right from wrong and be able to gain knowledge from my experiences. Unlikely – but I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy. -Amy Alcott

All The Kings Horses & All The Kings Men ...

For a friend
Our thoughts and instincts are funny at times. We convince ourselves of certain truths or beliefs and hold true to them for years. We experience events that change the way we look at someone or something, and hold to those experiences. We change our views and expect nothing different. Sometimes things get ruined for us, and other times a new door is opened. Days will pass, and sometimes we can revert back to the way things once were. All we need is time more often than not. Perhaps someone to "undo" what was done in the first place. I, as most of us, have had my fair share of experiences both good and bad. I've struggled through bad times and smiled through good. There have been moments where someone has changed my views or outlook on life. Images have been ruined and recreated. I've altered my beliefs. I think it is safe to say that certain people have impaired my image of others. Made me judge more. Made me stray from what I would have run to before. None of this makes sense really, and it shouldn't. We build reinforced brick walls sometimes when life screws us over, and refuse to pull them apart when the time is right. We fear the worst. We have our hearts broken and some scars never heal. We distance ourselves from what we have seen in the past, perhaps losing out on great opportunity. I've never claimed to be smarter than the next guy, or any better than anyone else. I do know that I've learned to recover from my falls and broken hearts, and start new from the beginning. My bricks don't stay up long, as I've been to the place before and don't feel anyone should be denied the opportunity to be let inside. Others I know have walls as high as mountains that can never be climbed. They are shut to the world, because of something that cut so deep they felt there was no other choice. Emotions get shoved in a box and feelings are never seen. Where am I going with all of this? I have no idea. Just know that for every brick in your wall there is one in everyone else's too. No one can tell you to take it down. Just be sure to peek over once in a while and make sure you're not missing out on anything. Life works is mysterious ways. Give it a shot, ya never know what could happen.

Hustlin' & Bustlin'

Days come and go. Hours pass and minutes slip by. I slide from one task to the next and never think twice. In my hard to find downtime I try no to think about the routine that I've fallen into, and just try to make the best of the moment. Life is hectic at best. Work consumes most of my time. Trying to coincide my schedules is at times more difficult than than work itself. I struggle to find time to myself. To relax or read a book. Share a glass of wine or a smile with someone. I feel at times the load is overbearing, but I know what needs to be done and seldom complain about it. The few hours I have to relax seem to fly by. I wake each day and think about what lies ahead and always know there is something more. It doesn't matter what, as long as it is something different.


Balance is the key, yet it is one of that hardest things to achieve. What seems to be balance is really just monotony. We fall day after day into the same routine and feel that we have it all worked out. Some insist they have it all together. They are liars. I know I don't have my shit together. The gears get mangled after only a short while and the balance is gone. Left to start again. Perhaps that is what keeps us going. Keeps life interesting. I'm all for surprises. Where would we be without them? Who would want to go through a day knowing exactly what was in store for them? That to me is boring - and pointless. Granted if we take the good surprises we must take the bad as well - but I'm all for it. I'll take the shitty days at work if they in turn deal me a quiet sushi night with a smiling face. Give me a flat tire on the way to work for a good bottle of wine to share at home. Always try to stay positive and never let the man get you down. The day you wake up without a hope or care in the world is the day you need to stay in bed - 'nuff said.

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

Its a long way home from here ...

I continue to observe life as I make it through my daily routine. Stress comes and goes. I still am ever thankful for the things I have that I both worked for and those that were given to me. After long, hard days its nice to sit back for a quick chat with friends - new or old - and think about how things aren't really all that bad. We complain and praise, and realize that all in all we aren't so bad off. Busy days and busy nights keep us up and running. Thinking about whats next and never looking back. I'm thankful when good people come along to show me a new side of things. Someone to chat with on a warm summer night. To talk about our favorite movies or books and make us forget about our problems, even if only for a minute. They balance out the ones that come along with too much to say, and too much to do. The people I used to be drawn to, but now would rather not have around. Some get involved to quick and make me question where I'm at and what I'm doing, only to realize those days are gone. I listen to music - preachers of heart and soul - the ones with a story to tell to make me forget about my own and know there is always something better to work for. To have aspirations and goals, and the conscience to keep working towards it, even if its been years already, knowing its what truly matters. Happiness stems from many angles, they just need to be sought out and changed up once in a while. I wish I could turn away for good the ones that irk me, and pull closer the ones that have a lot to say and would always lend an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on. I'm always glad to find new friends. Ones to share a smile or a cup of coffee, and know that they are out there in the world making happy faces, and not drowning others in their dramatic sorrows.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis

There Is No Easter Bunny

I have images of a strange house that felt like home, filled with strangers that felt like family. A bed that was too small, yet felt like the biggest bed in the world. Trips to Wegman's that set the night and felt like a vacation in Disney World. Riding on the passenger side and smiling at the joy it gave. No thoughts of the miles to home, just the time we had left. The tour of the town that felt like my own. The careless hours and countless Sunday drives. The skylight and broken locks. Pretzels and relish. The backyard and endangered insects. Garlic salt. Mix CD's and fading dreams. Testing time for those extra hours. The long awaited appointment. Dinners, movies and music. Noir and Teas. Sunday walkers and Pumpkin ice cream. Alfredo sauce. Doorstep. No looking back.

The Man .. The Legend

This is probably my favorite YouTube video of all time. No need to explain .. its like being inside my head .. just watch it ..

(In)decision

I feel the wheels still churning inside. Whats the difference between the wrong decision and indecision? Which is better? In originally trying to alleviate my stress, I feel I may have chosen wrong, and now continue to analyze myself and wonder how to correct it. My resources are expired, and I fear I won't be able to catch up. I have my strong support group but I know they will only be able to carry me so far. I wonder if my potential gold mine idea will help me or make things worse. I have unreachable resolutions that would help me greatly, but they are too far off for me to grasp. My mind overflows each day now, where I thought the stress would be gone. Its hard to get through a day knowing that I may have made the wrong decision, and that each week only brings more of the same. I'm not sure where to turn now or where to hide. As always, I'm still thankful for the little
things, but they can only get you so far. Life's a river, you gotta go where it takes you.

Walk Off The Buzz

A few days have passed and the buzz has died down. I lie in bed and remember how comfy we were in bed together - and how she told me that even her little bed was perfectly fine because I was in it. I go about my business, only thinking of her for minutes, seconds really, at any given time. I parse my memory for only an instant and then she vanishes again, like all the other times. Her green eyes and curly hair show themselves as I drift off to sleep, but in the morning are all forgotten. Time passes rather quick now, with changing scenery, jobs, people and places, so forgetting is much easier than in past months. Now more than before it feels like a dream, a book, something I knew of once through a friend that I accepted as reality, but was just a deep amazing fantasy that was only in words and pictures. I still have no regrets, and if asked to do it over I think I would. The feelings were not comparable to anything I've known, and I'd do it over in a second. Carpe Diem . .

Beaches And Butterflies

Beaches and Butterflies. Summer nights and red wine. Green eyes. Laughing, dancing, talking, kissing. I'll miss them all. Life is full of surprises - or better yet, incidents - to remind us where we have been, and direct us where we are intended to be. We struggle through the hardest of times and can instantly be shot with something we never expected. Or maybe we did expect it, at some point, but just weren't quite ready when it came around. I thought my mind was flushed, but like a bolt of lightning I was flashed back to where I began - where I wanted to be. Granted, this time was easier by far, but still deeply painful. I suppose it was unavoidable, however I couldn't have prepared any worse. The visions of all I knew and loved came flowing like rapids through my head. I saw where I came from, where I was going, and most importantly where I wanted to be. My offer still stands, and it will remain for as long as I can hold out. Perhaps time will map our paths together again? When I said I'd wait it was an expression of love - but perhaps it could become a reality? I would give up still whatever was needed to do it again - even for the few short months it was. Fabulous evenings and mornings - days away and wasted nights. The memories will stay but the reality keeps fading. Day by day - flowing more apart with each hour. Soon to be on opposite ends for good, with no likely chance of becoming one again. I thank myself I had time alone, and I was stronger than in the past. I still question what, or who, steered us wrong. What would happen if it picked up where it left off? Could it be made into the glorious bond and power that it was intended to be? I don't like to say that all that was put in was for naught. Maybe grieving for months - years even - will indeed connect us again, and all in between will be forgotten. Fresh in my mind and rekindled in my heart. The flame had never died, only dimmed, but now it burns again, soon to be put out again I'm sure.

Hope is the last thing that dies in man; and though it be exceedingly deceitful, yet it is of this good use to us, that while we are traveling through life it conducts us in an easier and more pleasant way to our journey's end. -- François de la Rochefoucauld

Where Did You Go?

I miss curling up in the bed with someone. I miss the Sunday morning breakfast and lounging around all day. I miss cooking dinner together after a long day of work. I miss constantly having someone on my mind and smiling all day. Her eyes in the moonlight. The bottles of wine and dancing. Her laugh. Having someone to wake up to. A reason to buy flowers. Someone to show off. An excuse to go out to dinner. A reason holidays were special. Someone to talk about to my friends. Having someone to help me take on the world. An excuse to make yet another mix CD. A constant reminder of why I wanted to wake up every morning. Wanting to be a better person. Someone impartial to vent to. Someone who said they'd always be there. Never worrying. Always smiling. Laughing. Crying. Being quiet. Holding. Cuddling. Being apart. Falling all over again each time.

"You can't disappoint me, because whatever you are is exactly what I want"

Blowing my mind

Like magic she somehow managed to get thrown back into my head. I don't know if it was the long, lonely rides home or just the downtime that I had no other way to avoid. The flashbacks blew through all at once like a tornado. I couldn't shake them no matter how hard I tried. And here I thought I had flushed it all out of my system and then I realized I was totally wrong. Nestled away in the back of my head - there she was - waiting for the right moment to pop out again. It blasted me all at once and thrust me back to where I was stuck months ago - waiting and wondering. Only this time I couldn't act on it. I thought about how close I was .. how close we were. I wondered, for a fraction of time, how it all tragically slipped into nothing. Disappeared like it was never there. A short story I read in a waiting room. A movie trailer. A TV show. Over and done with no turning back. Yet here I'm pulled into my puddle again and have to struggle to swim free and lift myself from the frustration. Its ultimately a lost cause but I trudge on, knowing that somehow I'll pull through, as always.