Course Of Life

I sit and wonder if it plays out the same for eveyone else too. Surely I cant be the only one that gets lost in the moment or sucked into movies playing out my fantasy through other fictional events or images. I think how life panned out for others. Did they too struggle to achieve their dream of happiness? Did they see others around them, or watch movies, and say "hey, thats what *I* want. Thats *my* life. I constantly get sucked in. I stupidly watch the movies with the happy endings and feel in my heart that I will achieve greatness at some point. I'll share that undying love with someone who I know won't let me down. I'll suffer through some test just to prove that love conquers all. I go by day in and day out wondering if its me. Should I change my routine? Go different places? Try something new? Where exaclty is that girl that I'm supposed to fall for? I've been amazingly close and life has interrupted and pushed me back to the starting line. Should I pine over someone that is fading away? Should I look beyond what my heart tells me and see everything for what it really is? Its hard to shake the images of something that was so amazing. But perhaps at the same time, it wasn't. Maybe all the suffering and struggle was just there to keep me busy, to make things interesting. I don't want interesting. I want amazing. A doctor, a lawyer, a secretary - it doesn't matter. Just someone on my level. Ready for it. Not someone that thinks they are or "will be". Someone who *is*. I know that I am ready, its just finding someone that fits that is hard. Every other aspect of my life is sorted out. I'm content with it. Just that sole void that needs to be filled. I've never been the type to go around looking for it, but I'm coming damn close. I feel like I need a day a week to go on an all out pursuit to find someone. Set up a list of people to interview to fill the position. I know it couldn't possibly be that easy but its fun to dream. I just hope that I can look back soon and truly realize that it was indeed all worth while. That all the struggling I did with each and everyone else was just to learn what I wanted and get me closer to finally being happy. I hope that "she" is out there looking for me as hard as I'm looking for her. If you happen to see her on the street send her my way .. I'll be waiting ..

Carry On Wayward Son

It feels like there are good days and bad. Some I wake up and feel the strength in my head and in my body. I set out to conquer and I dont get strung out from useless thoughts of "why not" or what if". Then there are days where visions of the past flutter through my brain and leave me wandering with my own personal raincloud for hours at a time. I've been good lately, however there are moments that I'm left wondering "whats in it for me". Tonight I felt a burst of days gone by flush through my head. A combo platter of visions from recent months all burried into one constant thought in my head. I thought of the summer. The way it seemed to go by so fast. I thought of how happy I was, how each day I woke up wanting to set out and see the world and take in what it had to offer. I think about how the season changed, and things wore down, and it all seemed like a magical instant to me. Then I travel even further into the past and meld all the good thoughts I have into one. All the movie nights and dinners and drives to nowhere and meeting new people and walks in the park and trips in the city and nights home alone and falling alseep - they all combine and leave me asking myself what went wrong, and wanting more than anything for something new to come again and make me feel that warmth that keeps me going. I think about all the good things I have, as always, and go about my business. Sometimes, like today, something strikes - a thought, or a phone call or the sight of that one person - and my head becomes a mess and I wonder again when it will be my turn. When can I be secure again? When can I wake up everyday not caring about money or work or anything at all - just knowing I'll get through the day and be back in her arms again and feel the greatest part of my day. Some days I'm strong and know it will come in time. Others I question myself and think that its not meant to be. All I've ever truly wanted is to be happy. Not alone, but with someone who can be equally as happy because of me. The one empty part of me that I've seemed to only experience in short bursts from time to time. I want that constant strength beside me to set me where I want to be. Even as I write, I think about the trips to the mall or the supermarket. The stops at the sandwich shop before work. Ice cream and cups of coffee. Laughing over nothing. I think about the dreams I have of nights out in Central Park in the fall. Wasting the night away laughing and smiling and not caring about anything else. I know it will come, I feel it in my heart. My guide tells me shes out there, and perhaps I've already met her. I try to stay strong and carry on my ways, but some days its almost unbearable. I wonder if all I've learned in the past is helping me or hindering me. I wonder if she will be someone new or simply someone who I met at the wrong time that will come back to me after she runs her course. However it works out, I hope to be left smiling and look back on this all and laugh at myself. I hope she inspires me to be better than I am today. To make me eat well and pay my bills on time and keep my house clean and all that I aspire to be. For now I'll go to sleep at night and wake up each day, holding in the back of my mind that she will find me again or for the first time ...

Then in the Arctic half-light of the canyon, all existence fades to a being with my soul and memories and the sounds of the Big Blackfoot River and a four-count rhythm and the hope that a fish will rise. Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of those rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters.