Falling Down

Falling out of love is one of the most difficult things a man has to do in his lifetime. If he is lucky - and more importantly, smart - this task won't be brought upon him. However I have never been a lucky man, and certainly not the smartest. I fell hard and I would be inclined to say it was a mistake, but that would be wrong. In hindsight, it was one of the greatest things to happen to me. It made me feel alive and free. I had never experienced anything quite like it, and the feeling was invigorating. There was never a dull moment, never a frown, never a mistaken word. Falling for her in the first place was amazing in itself. More than ever I had wanted to spend every waking moment with her. I never once thought about my lost relationships or that one special girl that got away - all I thought of was her. Any foul thought that entered my mind was instantly countered by the thought of her, the feeling of her. The touch of her hand, the warmth of her lips. She still flows through my veins - she seeps through my heart once every few seconds. Not a minute goes by when I don't think of her or get reminded of her. The hardest thing was coming to terms with the fact that nothing but opposing worlds drew us apart. We didn't fight, or cheat, or lie - we just lived on two different levels, and would be forced to change too much to stay together. She had planned for the future - and originally I was no part of it. As time went on, we grew closer. She thought about it too often, and knew time and time again that I didn't fit. I told her I would give up my world for her, but she was right when she said I wouldn't have to change a thing to be with her. I only wish I had something to leave behind to prove to her how much of my heart she held. She had glorious plans of going off to school or work, living by the beach, spending her days somewhere other than here. And again I was stuck - nothing to offer to better the situation. She had thought about her plan and wasn't ready to drop it all for me. I wanted nothing more than to make her see I'd take care of her and we'd be happy wherever we were - but for some reason she just didn't see it in that light. Through the course of our "departure" we had talked in depth over and over, yet I would always feel empty afterwards. The conversations would start out well, but throughout would turn downward, and after I'd be left fearing the worst - that there was no hope of resurrection for us. Every time we talked we said it'd be the last, but that went on for days. One morning I woke up and decided to do the right thing, the hardest thing. I told her I loved her and said I'd see her. I couldn't say goodbye, because I didn't want to mean it. My heart still felt that she would be back, but I knew I had to end what was the inevitable. It was useless for us to suffer day in and day out. We were constantly stressed and for no good reason. If we just let go then time would move on and feelings would fade. She'd be off somewhere too busy to think of me, and I'd go back to the way it was before I had met her. I'd get upset at the thought of her now, and what we used to have, but I would have to be strong and move on. Forget with no regrets. Take it for what it was - remember the way she made me feel. I'd remember the freedom I had and the smiles that adorned my face. I'd remember her touch and the warmth of her at night, holding my close in my bed. I'd remember her laugh and her smile and her eyes. The nights we sat and talked about nothing - just happy to be together. The nights we talked about her going away for so long, and how it didn't bother us because we knew we were strong enough to get through anything. It would all flow for days at least, until time passed with no contact and soon the visions would fade. My life would fall back into it’s rut and I would carry on. She would be out in the world doing what she wanted, and here I would stay. I’d think about her from time to time, but soon it would pass and I’d go about my day. Everyday I’d wake up hoping to see her face. Every time the phone would ring I would pray to hear her voice. Like a shooting star she came and went. The most gorgeous glowing thing you would ever want to see, but in a heartbeat gone – left for stories and memories. The phone is ringing … maybe its her

Make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away

I lost my soul today. I blinked, and in an instant the world had captured it up from me. I feel it will replenish over time, but in the heat of the moment I'm left battered and torn, alone in the darkness of a rainy street corner. Cold and shivering, no one around, not a sound but the rain on the pavement. The hard part has just gotten harder. Never in my life have I been so strong, and never have I hated myself so much for it. Dissipated into nothingness ... left to wonder on my own now. No false goodbyes or momentary lapses. I feel more empty and sad than I can remember. There is no hatred stemming this time - which is my one saving grace... as always, tomorrow is another day. No matter what I feel, the sun will still rise and the day will go on .. and so shall I.

"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. " -The Notebook