Sunday, November 19, 2006
Course Of Life
I sit and wonder if it plays out the same for eveyone else too. Surely I cant be the only one that gets lost in the moment or sucked into movies playing out my fantasy through other fictional events or images. I think how life panned out for others. Did they too struggle to achieve their dream of happiness? Did they see others around them, or watch movies, and say "hey, thats what *I* want. Thats *my* life. I constantly get sucked in. I stupidly watch the movies with the happy endings and feel in my heart that I will achieve greatness at some point. I'll share that undying love with someone who I know won't let me down. I'll suffer through some test just to prove that love conquers all. I go by day in and day out wondering if its me. Should I change my routine? Go different places? Try something new? Where exaclty is that girl that I'm supposed to fall for? I've been amazingly close and life has interrupted and pushed me back to the starting line. Should I pine over someone that is fading away? Should I look beyond what my heart tells me and see everything for what it really is? Its hard to shake the images of something that was so amazing. But perhaps at the same time, it wasn't. Maybe all the suffering and struggle was just there to keep me busy, to make things interesting. I don't want interesting. I want amazing. A doctor, a lawyer, a secretary - it doesn't matter. Just someone on my level. Ready for it. Not someone that thinks they are or "will be". Someone who *is*. I know that I am ready, its just finding someone that fits that is hard. Every other aspect of my life is sorted out. I'm content with it. Just that sole void that needs to be filled. I've never been the type to go around looking for it, but I'm coming damn close. I feel like I need a day a week to go on an all out pursuit to find someone. Set up a list of people to interview to fill the position. I know it couldn't possibly be that easy but its fun to dream. I just hope that I can look back soon and truly realize that it was indeed all worth while. That all the struggling I did with each and everyone else was just to learn what I wanted and get me closer to finally being happy. I hope that "she" is out there looking for me as hard as I'm looking for her. If you happen to see her on the street send her my way .. I'll be waiting ..
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If it were only that easy to send out a resume or an APB to find her! Maybe SHE isnt ready for YOU yet. Maybe she is still busy readying herself for the most amazing love she will ever know. Trust me, when you finally meet her, you want all the old stuff to be worked out for the most part! But you will drive yourself nuts if you sit and wait and wait and wait. If you have faith that she will come, in some way, at just the right moment, maybe you will find some solace. I dont think that everything always happens in our time, it happens in someone elses time. So we just have to trust that it will be, someday. As for the movies, they have a beginning, middle, and end. Although much like life in someways, they leave out the boring parts, the search, the yearning. They focus more on the conquest, the fairy tale. I bet if you look around you might find that people were and are in your exact same spot, wondering the exact same thing and then BAM-it happens. I really believe that when you ease up on yourself, let yourself live with a grateful heart for what you do have, and trust that someday she will come, you will stay much more sane and in a much happier place. If you let yourself stop searching, it is then that I bet she will show up in the most ordinary way. You dont have to change your life to find her because what is meant to be is meant to be. Someday, believe it or not, you will look back and say that you would have waited even longer for a love like that. Just have faith, maybe say a pray or two, and just watch what happens.....
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