She still irks me immensely. I'm not even sure why I continue to associate with her. Partly because I enjoy her friendship & company and partly because I'm hoping to have sex when I see her. She called me last night, hungry, at nearly 4am. I thought with the wrong head and got out of bed and went out to grab a bite. She got on my nerves almost instantly but a few minutes later all was well. I know what I was hoping to achieve but somehow thought that she wasn't thinking the same. We ate and made it back home, and there we passed out. I know it was a waste. I was exhausted but had that glimmer of hope. I continue to try to be "friends" with her but I always end up feeling like shit in the end. It feels too much like we are back together - fighting and not having sex - and that's why it sucks. I need to find someway else to occupy my time instead of having false hopes of sex. That's the draw for me is that we will go shop or eat or something and then end up in bed together - but 9 out of 10 times that's not the case either.
She instantly woke up and decided to leave this morning - all in one fell swoop. She stashed some, "Mary Jane" as she calls it, in her sweater before leaving and shot me a cheap grin. I asked her what it was and she told me and stated she was "Transporting it". That's bullshit. I thought she had stopped and she proceeded to tell me that she still does it "sometimes". Whatever. The flashbacks are pouring in hardcore now. This is exactly why we split up. I can't get myself to realize it until these situations go down however. If I could only foresee the future I'd know they were coming and not have to worry about it. I try and try to not give in or want to go out with her or have her come over but it's too f'in hard. I think I need someone else to occupy my mind and that may be the only fix I have .... We shall see ...
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