Danger Zone

So aside from throwing off my week, I tended tonight instead of my usual Wednesday. Normal as a night working can be ... Until I decided to cut off a few unruly patrons who were getting on my nerves 2 minutes before last call (literally TWO minutes). One of the fine young gentlemen argued that I was "killing their party", but I explained kindly that the party was over and that was the end of the story. He protested some more and to my surprise actually paid his tab - but not surprisingly didn't leave a tip (0.00 isn't a tip right?). They left quietly. End of story. Oh wait not quite. Upon venturing out to start my snow covered car - I noticed that I had acquired a new look to my windshield wiper. It looked like a fancy sculpture in its bent shape and I wasn't sure to laugh or be pissed. I decided to laugh since Pop taught me to always be prepared and I had a spare wiper blade in my trunk. Ah ... Fun.

So I'm sitting here wondering what brings people to do the things they do. Emotion comes in to play yet again I suppose. Was his rage so uncontrollable that he needed to wreak havoc on my beloved vehicle to appease himself? I hope he feels better. Why do people need to vent themselves in such ways? I sometimes enjoy watching people that get cut off when they are overly intoxicated just to see how they react. I have never once had a good response from anyone. Just one of the hazards of my chosen profession I suppose. The good thing is that I don't have to worry about ever serving them again, the downside is that I need to go buy another wiper blade in case I get myself in a jam again. I'm glad I had a good upbringing and that I'm not stupid enough to take out my aggression on other people - only pillows and drywall. I think that people think the whole not tipping thing makes a statement - like I didn't see it coming (or not coming I guess). But to go above and beyond and vandalize my precious baby is just amusing to me. I guess I shouldn't find it too funny because it could have been a baseball bat to my windshield - but well, it wasn't so laugh it up. The best part is that they will deny it all and fight with me when I see them again and tell them I wont serve them. Thanks for the memories and a good dinner table story ....

Good Friends

I got the chance to hang out with some good friends the other night. It's been quite a while since I've been able to spend any length of time with them so it was very nice. We hung out at a little coffee joint that reminded me of one of my favorite restaurants in California. We listened to some great music and chatted a bit. It made me miss the old days when I had much more free time to do with what I pleased. It seems that the people that I most like to be around are the hardest ones to spend time with. They all have jobs and families and the time we used to have so much of seems to have dwindled down to not much of anything at all. Family parties, holidays - seems that special occasions are the only times we have with each other. It just makes me think because the people that I find myself surrounded by constantly - most but not all - are really not the company I'd like to keep at all. I guess it just makes you appreciate good friends that much more - I know they'll always be there no matter if days, weeks or months go by - we'll still get together and it will seem like no time has passed at all. It makes me feel good having them as well for a release from my normal monotony. They are my sanctuary in a sense. I've always been able to go to them with my problems, or help them with theirs, and I think we are all good at distracting each other from the normalities or everyday life. They are all real people - they've lived and have real jobs and experienced life both good and bad and we all learn from each other and I love them for it.

I've been observing people a lot lately too. Looking into relationships of my friends and acquaintances. I think the last few relationships I was in taught me a lot about myself and also what I want. My sister told me after one of my breakups that perhaps the purpose of the relationship was soley to learn what I wanted. I was so distraught and blinded that it started to make sense when it was put in a different light. I observe my friends and listening to what they say about their relationships or what they want and don't and it seems that some of them don't have enough experience to know what they want. They say they know but they are young and haven't experienced life. I think about where I was years ago and girls that interested me and I thought I'd marry - and when I look back I have no idea what I was thinking. I too at the time thought I would be set for life and get married and live happily every after. I think there is a certain age when you begin to realize that life isn't just about going out being a "kid". Its about people and good conversations and experience. One of my favorite B movie quotes - "It's not the meaning of life, its the feeling of life". No one takes time to breath now. I'm surprised I've been single now as long as I have. Where I used to jump from one girl to the next - I feel I've learned from myself and know better what I want. I think that the easiest lessons are learned by make mistakes. The first time is experience - the next time is a mistake.


So many things rushing through my noggin lately. I'm inundated with nonsensical thoughts - like my brain is trying to sort out my life for me without asking me first. That's a treat ... I think I need a CAT Scan before I go all Butterfly Effect reading my own shit ...

Misinterpretation

I think sometimes people read into things to easily as well. There are times when, myself included, people want to think they are smarter than the source and will read into things that are written or said and interpret them their own ways. Only the speaker or writer knows for sure what the intent of the statements was, yet outsiders believe that they can get the better of it by reading it a truly different way than it was intended. I'm all for creative criticism, but few people realize the line or know how to phrase their comments accordingly so as to not come off as ignorant or apathetic. I do like to listen to responses however as it tells a great deal about people, just from listening to how they react to something that was said or written. Everyone is complex in their own manner. Some things may not make sense to everyone, whether they want to believe it or not. The only error lies when someone tries to make something out of nothing - taking someone else’s words into their head and spitting out complete garbage as their interpretation of it. It sounds harsh but it’s the truth.

Another interesting thing is conversing with uneducated people. I like to consider myself well educated and I think I know a lot about many different things. I will never get involved in a conversation where I'm unsure of the topic or am not prepared to back up my views. However when the conversation pertains to something I feel strongly about, I'm all for an argument. Certain people refrain from these standards and attempt to get involved in conversations unknowing of the topic and get them stuck and look stupid in their words. I think it makes me smarter knowing to stay out of the conversation rather than try to talk my way through something I know nothing about. .

What's worse - Ignorance or Apathy?. .. . I don't know, and I don't care ......

On Track

I sometimes think about if I made all the right choices in life. I suppose everyone goes through the phase, but I find myself more often than not, thinking about if I did and what I could have done differently.

Take myself and my two closest friends. We all chose our own paths that started out with college right of of high school. After about two years we all took turns in different directions and landed us, nearly ten years later, in totally different places. I find myself hanging out in bars and socializing with people who are at the "spot" I was at 5 or 6 years ago. No one really takes notice, but I do. I like to observe and sometimes partake and remember what it was all about - but for the most part its tough for me to be a part of it. Why do I subject myself to it? Good question. There are a few of the people that are mature and realize that they need to be responsible. They enjoy themselves but not to excess and realize that there's more to life than bars and booze. The other half are continuously partying like there is no tomorrow and seem to have no responsibility at all. When you walk through the door its like entering another world where everyone is the same - only no one takes time to look beyond the shots and the beer to see that in reality, no one is the same. People make assumptions and say things based on their views of you. Rarely do people get to know one another in a bar setting to actually care what goes on in the "outside" world.

I've come across so many types of people in the bar setting that it totally intrigues me to sit and think about what each person is about. I'm tired of having the girls that lack any sense or respect or responsibility come straight out and torture themselves with endless amounts of alcohol, just looking for a hook up because they think you're "cute". My salesmanship skills want to come out at times and take advantage of any situation, but I try to remember to hold back. They never look beyond and see that there is more to me than the bottle in my left hand and the cigarette in my right.

Tonight I stared into nothing, sitting alone at the bar, thinking about my life. How I have to wake up tomorrow and go to work - where people see me as a totally different person. It's like there are two separate sides to me and I can't seem to find a way to break them apart - which is what I long for more than anything.. .




In other news - I am always interested in both sides of the story. The chase and the capture and the mistakes that prove deadly. Hearing both sides of a situation is enlightening and utterly intriguing. It's hard to sit and merely observe sometimes but I think that it helps everyone in one way or another. Relationships, good or bad, are learning experiences and nothing more. They are part of life and shouldn't be played with or taken for granted .. . .

Mistakes

When it comes to life and love . . .Mistakes are killer - for both parties. If you get interested in someone and change your ways to work it better - sometimes it can be a big sacrifice. What sucks is when you do, then the other half F's up something and comes crawling back and the tables are turned. Like if I throw myself out there and I'm doing things differently to please someone - then she screws up somewhere or somehow completely turning me away - and she'll come back apologizing and crying and all. So instantly everything pulls a 180 and what I was once smiling about praying for becomes my worst enemy. I was working so hard to win her over, then she turned me away by her words or actions and is now begging for forgiveness when I want nothing to do with it .. Its a vicious and utterly confusing cycle. Life works this way sometimes on the "There's someone for everyone" philosophy. Just another step in the road. Too many cliches to handle .. but it sucks regardless ... Just when things present themselves to break through the monotony of everyday, the black hole opens and right after the feeling of a sharp metal object in your chest, you drift into the spin again right back where you started . . .

Communication

I could never see where the lack in communication was with the last few girls I dated. I'm a big fan of it - but it seems terribly hard to come by. I'm not saying I need to know where my other half is 100% of the time, but I do like knowing what's going on when I'm not around. Am I wrong for thinking this?

I enjoy phone calls or conversations where "I'm going here with whomever tonight" isn't so tough to say. I've had numerous nights where I'd be working and think that she was at one place, then lost complete contact through unanswered calls and unreturned messages only to worry endlessly until I fell asleep. I don't think of it as an obsession or "stalkerish" - just respect in a sense. I have a needlessly worry side to me and it seems that no one I meet cares to take it away. Too many nights I can recall worrying myself to sleep wondering where she was or who she was with - sometimes out of jealousy but moreso out of worry. To me it doesn't seem all that hard to pick up the phone call, but maybe I'm wrong. If the reason for not calling is due to the fact that she was passed out drunk that opens up a whole new area - which I've been through and haven't really enjoyed.

I think its mostly the thoughts that race through my head when she doesn't answer the phone at 2am. I start worrying and wondering if something happened to her - and then go to the upset jealous me. That part comes when I think about her out partying and being irresponsible, completely loaded, hanging out with "friends" whom I've never even met. Maybe it's just me being an idiot, but I like to think that I'm caring and it would be appreciated and not go unnoticed as it has all too many times. Worry my life away .. That's what I do. I'll be in my coffin one day still worrying ...

Where Oh Where Can My Baby Be?

She still irks me immensely. I'm not even sure why I continue to associate with her. Partly because I enjoy her friendship & company and partly because I'm hoping to have sex when I see her. She called me last night, hungry, at nearly 4am. I thought with the wrong head and got out of bed and went out to grab a bite. She got on my nerves almost instantly but a few minutes later all was well. I know what I was hoping to achieve but somehow thought that she wasn't thinking the same. We ate and made it back home, and there we passed out. I know it was a waste. I was exhausted but had that glimmer of hope. I continue to try to be "friends" with her but I always end up feeling like shit in the end. It feels too much like we are back together - fighting and not having sex - and that's why it sucks. I need to find someway else to occupy my time instead of having false hopes of sex. That's the draw for me is that we will go shop or eat or something and then end up in bed together - but 9 out of 10 times that's not the case either.



She instantly woke up and decided to leave this morning - all in one fell swoop. She stashed some, "Mary Jane" as she calls it, in her sweater before leaving and shot me a cheap grin. I asked her what it was and she told me and stated she was "Transporting it". That's bullshit. I thought she had stopped and she proceeded to tell me that she still does it "sometimes". Whatever. The flashbacks are pouring in hardcore now. This is exactly why we split up. I can't get myself to realize it until these situations go down however. If I could only foresee the future I'd know they were coming and not have to worry about it. I try and try to not give in or want to go out with her or have her come over but it's too f'in hard. I think I need someone else to occupy my mind and that may be the only fix I have .... We shall see ...