Days Go By

As the days go by I feel stronger and stronger. As I fill out my routine every morning, the visions of the things that matter most to me flash through my mind. During the holiday season especially, I remember that I could be much worse off, need to be thankful for that which I do have, and shouldn't take anything for granted. Recently I started to see things in certain people that I haven't seen in the past. My eyes are open more and I'm taking more in than I have before. I'm going about situations in two ways, not just one. I've thought about people in different ways than I thought I ever would, and its actually made things more interesting. I've thought about relationships good and bad - past and present. Who said what and who hurt who and who I'd take back or start over with. Who I suffered with when I shouldn't have, and who I'd suffer more with if given the chance. Who was truthful and who was not all there. She told me she was done with him, but I know he's still around. Was I a test? Why did I put myself through all of that for months only to end at the beginning?? I look back on it now and criticize myself. I pile all the things I learned into my pocket and vow to refer to them when I need to. To not suffer through the same shit I have in the past, just to avoid it all together.

As the year grows to an end, I sometimes sit and think about all I've done. All the people I've met, places I've been, smiles I've flashed and tears I've shed. I think about how it differed from the last and how I can only hope that the next is bigger and better. I hope that everyone that has left me will go on to better things. That the choices they made were for themselves and came from the heart. I hope they have no regrets and figure out what it is that needs to be done. I hope that I can continue to be happy just being me. I envy Popeye for who he was. His motto was "I am what I am". He didn't care what he looked like or what people thought of him because he was who he was. I feel the same. Someday, someone will pick me out. They'll see me on the second layer and actually make me smile and not suffer. I'll get to add more to my life and start a whole new chapter. For now, no regrets. I don't regret anything that I've done in the past year, I only question a thing or two. I wonder if I had taken a different track if things would have been different, or better yet - unknown. How can your heart ache if it never knew? I suppose I'd rather not know at all than to have tried and failed.

Defeat doesn't finish a man--quit does.

A man is not finished when he's defeated.

He's finished when he quits.

--Richard M. Nixon

Course Of Life

I sit and wonder if it plays out the same for eveyone else too. Surely I cant be the only one that gets lost in the moment or sucked into movies playing out my fantasy through other fictional events or images. I think how life panned out for others. Did they too struggle to achieve their dream of happiness? Did they see others around them, or watch movies, and say "hey, thats what *I* want. Thats *my* life. I constantly get sucked in. I stupidly watch the movies with the happy endings and feel in my heart that I will achieve greatness at some point. I'll share that undying love with someone who I know won't let me down. I'll suffer through some test just to prove that love conquers all. I go by day in and day out wondering if its me. Should I change my routine? Go different places? Try something new? Where exaclty is that girl that I'm supposed to fall for? I've been amazingly close and life has interrupted and pushed me back to the starting line. Should I pine over someone that is fading away? Should I look beyond what my heart tells me and see everything for what it really is? Its hard to shake the images of something that was so amazing. But perhaps at the same time, it wasn't. Maybe all the suffering and struggle was just there to keep me busy, to make things interesting. I don't want interesting. I want amazing. A doctor, a lawyer, a secretary - it doesn't matter. Just someone on my level. Ready for it. Not someone that thinks they are or "will be". Someone who *is*. I know that I am ready, its just finding someone that fits that is hard. Every other aspect of my life is sorted out. I'm content with it. Just that sole void that needs to be filled. I've never been the type to go around looking for it, but I'm coming damn close. I feel like I need a day a week to go on an all out pursuit to find someone. Set up a list of people to interview to fill the position. I know it couldn't possibly be that easy but its fun to dream. I just hope that I can look back soon and truly realize that it was indeed all worth while. That all the struggling I did with each and everyone else was just to learn what I wanted and get me closer to finally being happy. I hope that "she" is out there looking for me as hard as I'm looking for her. If you happen to see her on the street send her my way .. I'll be waiting ..

Carry On Wayward Son

It feels like there are good days and bad. Some I wake up and feel the strength in my head and in my body. I set out to conquer and I dont get strung out from useless thoughts of "why not" or what if". Then there are days where visions of the past flutter through my brain and leave me wandering with my own personal raincloud for hours at a time. I've been good lately, however there are moments that I'm left wondering "whats in it for me". Tonight I felt a burst of days gone by flush through my head. A combo platter of visions from recent months all burried into one constant thought in my head. I thought of the summer. The way it seemed to go by so fast. I thought of how happy I was, how each day I woke up wanting to set out and see the world and take in what it had to offer. I think about how the season changed, and things wore down, and it all seemed like a magical instant to me. Then I travel even further into the past and meld all the good thoughts I have into one. All the movie nights and dinners and drives to nowhere and meeting new people and walks in the park and trips in the city and nights home alone and falling alseep - they all combine and leave me asking myself what went wrong, and wanting more than anything for something new to come again and make me feel that warmth that keeps me going. I think about all the good things I have, as always, and go about my business. Sometimes, like today, something strikes - a thought, or a phone call or the sight of that one person - and my head becomes a mess and I wonder again when it will be my turn. When can I be secure again? When can I wake up everyday not caring about money or work or anything at all - just knowing I'll get through the day and be back in her arms again and feel the greatest part of my day. Some days I'm strong and know it will come in time. Others I question myself and think that its not meant to be. All I've ever truly wanted is to be happy. Not alone, but with someone who can be equally as happy because of me. The one empty part of me that I've seemed to only experience in short bursts from time to time. I want that constant strength beside me to set me where I want to be. Even as I write, I think about the trips to the mall or the supermarket. The stops at the sandwich shop before work. Ice cream and cups of coffee. Laughing over nothing. I think about the dreams I have of nights out in Central Park in the fall. Wasting the night away laughing and smiling and not caring about anything else. I know it will come, I feel it in my heart. My guide tells me shes out there, and perhaps I've already met her. I try to stay strong and carry on my ways, but some days its almost unbearable. I wonder if all I've learned in the past is helping me or hindering me. I wonder if she will be someone new or simply someone who I met at the wrong time that will come back to me after she runs her course. However it works out, I hope to be left smiling and look back on this all and laugh at myself. I hope she inspires me to be better than I am today. To make me eat well and pay my bills on time and keep my house clean and all that I aspire to be. For now I'll go to sleep at night and wake up each day, holding in the back of my mind that she will find me again or for the first time ...

Then in the Arctic half-light of the canyon, all existence fades to a being with my soul and memories and the sounds of the Big Blackfoot River and a four-count rhythm and the hope that a fish will rise. Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of those rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters.

Continuation of Life

No catchy cliches or one liners. Just observations and my best breakdown of my mental occupation. I did a fair amount of thought processing today. Mostly on the usual BS that is my life, but I looked in depth as well. I thought about the days that have passed, those recent and long gone. I thought about days to come, and how I, as do most, wish the future could be laid out in front of me for me to see. Sometimes I grow tired of falling into the same cavern over and over. From one time to the next, I ask myself not to succumb to the same traps I have in the past, but somehow my body pulls ahead and I end up stuck on the side of the road, the same as I was a million times before. My one saving grace through all the jumbled thoughts in my head is the voice of my conscience. I lay out the stories for her in mild detail. Sometimes she is surprised, others she had expected. Even when I don't ask her, she drops well spoken words of wisdom and faith unto me. Quick and to the point, she travels in my mind and dissects what she knows all to well is running through it. She simply states the facts and turns a new light onto what is already there. She opens a door for me that I didn't see in the course of my frustration, and I eagerly enter it knowing it is truly the right way to go. Throughout my years she has been there, if she knew it or not, to steer me in the right direction, when my mind wasn't strong enough to carry me there on its own. This time, like the last and all the others before, she dropped her words to me and they now replace the frustration in my mind. They stand out when I question myself and keep me heading away from what ails me.

Not much more can be said of the current events in my head. Again, life led me where I needed to go, and I don't regret for a minute where I traveled. I am left with many astounding memories on which I cannot dwell for fear of further frustration. It all seems like a blur at this point. Everything took over so fast and was magically through it's course. Only when I stop and think about it do I feel the real impact. One lucid vision leads to another and it spirals into oblivion until I break it and move on. If I stay busy and fill my head with other thoughts, the visions stay behind, hidden for another time of story telling or comparison. Like before, I must be strong and listen to my conscience. She has spoken wisely and will carry me through. I know should any problems arise, I can talk to her and be set free again. Breaking the habit is the hardest part now. Trying to adjust back to the way I was what seems like an eternity ago. For months now there has been one thought - one person - on my mind. Now I must shift back to me and go on. I think about my family and friends, work and play. Everything I know and love that is "normal" to me. Those are the things that get me through. I get stuck playing the "what ifs" in my head and try not to dwell. Fate has played out and maybe it will capture us back in the future. Experience is a wonderful thing. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, next week or next year. Perhaps I'll tell this story to her one day - of all the thoughts and struggles she put me through. How hard I had to poison my mind with monotony to move on. I'll fall asleep tonight and wake tomorrow just as I have for years. Time will pass and the visions will fade. Something will come and I'll know when it hits me. Maybe this is the something and it will find its way back. For now I shall carry on like before. No regrets - only peaceful smiles that come at the thoughts of what has passed. Not one moment of sorrow or anger - just days of happiness, each better than the one before. I have all the faith in the world that I will live the happiest life I possibly can. Tomorrow is another day. The doorstep will always be there and I'll remember to leave the light on - it can't stay empty forever.

Falling Down

Falling out of love is one of the most difficult things a man has to do in his lifetime. If he is lucky - and more importantly, smart - this task won't be brought upon him. However I have never been a lucky man, and certainly not the smartest. I fell hard and I would be inclined to say it was a mistake, but that would be wrong. In hindsight, it was one of the greatest things to happen to me. It made me feel alive and free. I had never experienced anything quite like it, and the feeling was invigorating. There was never a dull moment, never a frown, never a mistaken word. Falling for her in the first place was amazing in itself. More than ever I had wanted to spend every waking moment with her. I never once thought about my lost relationships or that one special girl that got away - all I thought of was her. Any foul thought that entered my mind was instantly countered by the thought of her, the feeling of her. The touch of her hand, the warmth of her lips. She still flows through my veins - she seeps through my heart once every few seconds. Not a minute goes by when I don't think of her or get reminded of her. The hardest thing was coming to terms with the fact that nothing but opposing worlds drew us apart. We didn't fight, or cheat, or lie - we just lived on two different levels, and would be forced to change too much to stay together. She had planned for the future - and originally I was no part of it. As time went on, we grew closer. She thought about it too often, and knew time and time again that I didn't fit. I told her I would give up my world for her, but she was right when she said I wouldn't have to change a thing to be with her. I only wish I had something to leave behind to prove to her how much of my heart she held. She had glorious plans of going off to school or work, living by the beach, spending her days somewhere other than here. And again I was stuck - nothing to offer to better the situation. She had thought about her plan and wasn't ready to drop it all for me. I wanted nothing more than to make her see I'd take care of her and we'd be happy wherever we were - but for some reason she just didn't see it in that light. Through the course of our "departure" we had talked in depth over and over, yet I would always feel empty afterwards. The conversations would start out well, but throughout would turn downward, and after I'd be left fearing the worst - that there was no hope of resurrection for us. Every time we talked we said it'd be the last, but that went on for days. One morning I woke up and decided to do the right thing, the hardest thing. I told her I loved her and said I'd see her. I couldn't say goodbye, because I didn't want to mean it. My heart still felt that she would be back, but I knew I had to end what was the inevitable. It was useless for us to suffer day in and day out. We were constantly stressed and for no good reason. If we just let go then time would move on and feelings would fade. She'd be off somewhere too busy to think of me, and I'd go back to the way it was before I had met her. I'd get upset at the thought of her now, and what we used to have, but I would have to be strong and move on. Forget with no regrets. Take it for what it was - remember the way she made me feel. I'd remember the freedom I had and the smiles that adorned my face. I'd remember her touch and the warmth of her at night, holding my close in my bed. I'd remember her laugh and her smile and her eyes. The nights we sat and talked about nothing - just happy to be together. The nights we talked about her going away for so long, and how it didn't bother us because we knew we were strong enough to get through anything. It would all flow for days at least, until time passed with no contact and soon the visions would fade. My life would fall back into it’s rut and I would carry on. She would be out in the world doing what she wanted, and here I would stay. I’d think about her from time to time, but soon it would pass and I’d go about my day. Everyday I’d wake up hoping to see her face. Every time the phone would ring I would pray to hear her voice. Like a shooting star she came and went. The most gorgeous glowing thing you would ever want to see, but in a heartbeat gone – left for stories and memories. The phone is ringing … maybe its her

Make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away

I lost my soul today. I blinked, and in an instant the world had captured it up from me. I feel it will replenish over time, but in the heat of the moment I'm left battered and torn, alone in the darkness of a rainy street corner. Cold and shivering, no one around, not a sound but the rain on the pavement. The hard part has just gotten harder. Never in my life have I been so strong, and never have I hated myself so much for it. Dissipated into nothingness ... left to wonder on my own now. No false goodbyes or momentary lapses. I feel more empty and sad than I can remember. There is no hatred stemming this time - which is my one saving grace... as always, tomorrow is another day. No matter what I feel, the sun will still rise and the day will go on .. and so shall I.

"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. " -The Notebook

Helplessly, Hopelessly

I've been many places, done many things, met many people and felt many feelings. My travels have taught me about life, both good and bad, and I've learned from my mistakes and tried to better myself. I've gone through my days as simply as I can. I've never asked much of anyone outside of their means, and I like to think that I have no enemies. Lately I've realized that all I really want in life, ultimately, is to be happy. I suppose that everyone looks at the world in a different manner. Some want money, some want love and some are just glad to be alive. For me - it's happiness. I wake up everyday just happy to be here. Sometimes the world overpowers me and that is what causes my sadness. Its not necessarily me, or my choices, but the course of action of everything around. The times that hurt the most are when things are up - really up - and them come to a crashing halt. I find myself constantly giving advice to people about life, relationships etc. However when the time comes I can't take anything for myself.

I had everything I needed - my car, my job(s), my kid, my family, my friends - and my girl. I was happy - even if only for a short time - I was happy. I thought this time would be it too. I truly thought this was the one I wouldn't have to walk away from. Everyday was better than the last - and words cannot describe how it made me feel. I was, for once, on top of the world. Not only was I glad to wake up and start the day, but I had her by my side. She could have been anywhere in the world - and just knowing she was out there somewhere thinking about me was all I needed. I've been told before not to form my happiness based on one individual, but I let myself slip, and in an instant I was right back where I never want to be. I think its safe to say I had only had my heart broken once and I swore I would do all I could to never let myself end up in that position again. I now realize that it, as with most anything in life, is an unpreventable situation that we have no control of. I let myself in to deep, and now I have to magically forget it all happened and walk away. As always, the days will go by, the sun will still rise in the morning and set at night. Only this time it will be harder to stand. I've been pushed down hard, and I'll have trouble finding my legs again. Everything flashed before me in an instant, and I wondered how I fell from my sturdy legs. It all flew by on my way to crashing into the ground. While I lie here, I think about it at first, then turn to my family and friends to grab me and pull me to my feet. This time there is no use in fighting. What I thought I had has been stolen from me and the return in nowhere in sight.

Just as a wounded knee heels - so does the heart. At first it bleeds for the world to see. Then we cover it up, only checking on it once in a while. We treat it and take care of it, and eventually, with time, it heals. Full restored, only a scar remains. We don't think about it after it heals, we even forget how it was wounded in the first place. This time it is wounded deeply. A scar will remain - but it will be the one I tell stories about until they run out or grow old. Then I will forget about the scar and know that I have bigger things intended for me ...

Thanks again

Life is strange sometimes. I was out last night at a bar and I met this really cool guy. He was like 40 but we sat and chatted for a few hours about random shit. One of the things we decided is that we'd give up any amount of money for the love of the perfect woman. It started me thinking about my pursuits and all the harsh realities. I established a long time ago that I'm set in my place for life - or most of it anyway. My family is here, my jobs, most of my friends. I don’t see myself leaving anytime in the near future, if at all. I have no desire to live anywhere else. I have gotten serious with a few girls in the past that this was an issue with. The first few times I made the mistake of not saying anything until the question arose and it let to the demise. Now I make sure to throw it out as soon as I can for the fear that I'll get the wrong answer. I'm not out to change anyone or make them deviate from any plan for me. I would never ask someone to stay and be with me and not go off and live their life. It would be the worst thing I could ask of anyone and I'd fear that they would regret it in the future. I've been through a lot in my life. I've met many many people, both good and bad. I've traveled all over. I've seen things I'll probably never see again. I like to think I'm fairly educated. I'm old enough and smart enough not to ask more than I can of people. It’s not my place to make anyone change for me - and I would expect that no one would ever ask me to change for them. I'm really a simple person. I work, I sleep .. I hang out with my friends and my family. I carry on my days, trying to be stress free, waiting for that someone to come along who will stay put and do everything or nothing with me. It’s a tough spot to be in sometimes - having someone make the choice between their head and their heart. I've never been forced into that position and I can only hope I never will be. I have unfortunately been the one to bestow the decision upon others, and I feel for them. It would be tough for anyone to choose their future based on one person's feelings. It goes back to finding happiness in someone else. You can't throw it all into someone with your heart and soul and say they make you happy. Being "with" them or "the thought of them" makes you happy. It’s a guaranteed tough decision regardless - and I hate myself for making them go through it. I suppose I have to look out for myself once in a while though. It sucks too that they ultimately get to make the choice and mostly it isn't in my favor. I hate having other people make choices for me. It’s my life . . . thank you for not smoking.

So It Goes

The curiosity had burned inside. Day by day - week by week. Everyday I'd prepare my head only to give myself some excuse when the moment arrived. Never any action, never any consequence. Not knowing still left me that glimmer of hope.

I asked her out today - shaking and sweating. Straight forward I threw it out and felt instant relief. In that same instant the unknown dissipated into rejection. "My boyfriend might be upset if I did" was the closing argument. Fair enough - at least now I feel better. I don't really though. I just think I do. All the days of subliminally torturing myself have gone. I made the leap and I fell short. Now I ask this - is it better to not know and have the high hope and empty fantasy or to know and have the unwelcome answer? I think I would have rather just been a pansy and never asked and lived with the fact that if I had it could have been magical. Now I know for sure but it isn't the way I wanted. I suppose since I had prolonged it I thought that when I finally had the balls it would all go smoothly - apparently not. Well I guess it did go smoothly. I asked, she rejected, end of story. I chatted with a friend last week and told her about said love interest. She told me that I should just get it over with because she could fall in love with someone tomorrow - and that someone could be me or someone else. I thought about that right before I asked. I guess she was right - it was someone else. Tomorrow is another day. I don’t regret asking and I wont be embarrassed to talk to her again (not that I really talked to her all that much in the first place) that’s just not me. Now I won’t have to worry anyway and I can go off and stalk someone else instead. Maybe she'll break up with her boyfriend tomorrow and realize that I'm the best thing that could ever have happened to her. She'll come running to me and we'll move to Hawaii and live in bliss. Or maybe I'll just come back to work like I do every other day and stare out the window for hours contemplating my life. Yea, that sounds about right. I think I'll go with that plan.

Interpretation (again)

It seems that people continually misread my fiction and humor. They mistake it for what they want to believe or what they think I meant. Only I know what I meant and only I know what is true and what's not. I'll write it my way and you read it and think whatever you want. If you take time to chat with me then I'll explain what I meant, but please don't jump on my back without knowing what is in my head. Thanks for your time ..

Truth, like art, is in the eye of the beholder.

You believe what you choose and I'll believe what I know.

Ring Ring Ring

Truth be told I'd been thinking about her a lot lately. I told myself I wouldn't call unless she called me. My train of thought was that if she wasn't interested enough to call me, then there was no point in me calling her. Makes sense right? So the phone rang, out of the blue, and there she was. Jumping right back in my life after a month long leave of absence. We chatted a bit - nothing unusual. After the brief small talk she jumped right into asking me if I was single. It took me back a bit since I was used to asking her in hopes she'd say no and we could hook up. I told her yes and asked her in return and she said yes as well. Don't get excited - nothing came of it. Just more small talk to her apparently. We went on and caught up - jobs, living situation, "who are you hanging out with" and "have you heard from". Through the whole conversation I was partly happy to hear from her and partly pissed she'd called. I was a month into getting her and all the memories out of the back of my mind and just like that they were all rehashed again. Now she will float around again until I find someone else to occupy my thoughts. The only thing I can think off now is having enough balls to talk to my recent infatuation when I see her next. The likelihood of that isn't too great though. And to make matters worse I made plans with her during our conversation somehow so now I am obligated to see her, and I'm sure that'll make things worse because I know what will be on my mind surely wont be on hers. Just another day I suppose. I'm glad to be moving soon and taking another step in my mental cleansing. I have a lot on my mind at the moment and hopefully in a months time things will sort out into a new start so I can get myself back together. Hopefully.

Trials of Life

About 2 or 3 years ago there was this girl who used to come into the store quite often. I never really talked to her much, but from the first time I saw her I was totally infatuated. I got all choked up when I'd see her. Nervous. I wouldn't be able to say much to her. I want nothing more than to ask her out, but I could never seem to find the words. The unspoken encounters went on for nearly 2 years. One night I was out at a bar I never thought I'd be in minding my own - and there she was. She stood across the way, leaning on the wall. I could have just let it slide and pretended she was never there, but I made the mistake of telling one of my buddies who she was and how I knew her. In all his drunken splendor he made his was over to her - said something - and pointed my way. She came by and I introduced myself and that was about it. She left with her friends and I left with mine. The following evening however, she came into the store. I went up to her and made some bullshit small talk and eventually ended up with her number. We went out the following evening on what I considered an amazing date - she even gave me an incredible super long good night kiss. I didn't make a move at all - it was great. She was all over me. Long story short, I was on a supreme high - and then shot down as the days went by and I never heard from her again.

Blah blah - fast forward. There is a girl that works a few doors down that I havent really said much to in the year or so she's been there. Everyday I see her walk by and everyday I swear will be the day I ask her out. And here I am. I wonder what makes it so hard for me to say something. Fear of rejection? Maybe I'm afraid of the same outcome. I don't know what it is, but I sure hope I figure it out. I'm dying to take her out, but I'm too much of a pussy to say anything. Up until last week she had never set foot in the store either. And twice in the last three days I missed my prime opportunity when she came in. I feel stupid, but scared at the same time. Hopefully something will turn up - like my balls.

On a side note, I found out that a girl who I had hooked up with on a number of occasions got engaged last night. Yea . . .after she called me to make plans for her to come over tonight. That'll be a strong marriage huh? I find it amusing because I had no idea. She was using me. Love it. Love it.

Thinking Again

Everyone has good days and bad days. Some days on my way to work I'll be incredibly happy and excited to start my day - for whatever reason. Then there are the times that I feel like shit, wondering where I'm headed or what I'm doing. Those "funks" are tough to pull out of, but normally don’t even last more than a day or two. It seems lately as well that many of my close friends have had their own various problems. It hurts me to see the people I care about get upset or distraught. I try my best to help when I can - even if it’s just a phone call to chat for a bit and take their mind off things. Sometimes I think that I'm the only one that has problems. The only one that doesn't have me figured out. But then I realize that’s not the case. No one truly knows whets going on 100% of the time. Some people are terribly good at faking it or just know how to manage it better than others.

I've been caught thinking about my love life - or lack there of - recently as well. My endless pursuit for the women of my dreams that never seems to be around. I've been engulfed in sappy movies a lot lately too. Sometimes they make me feel better with the fantasy that we all wish truly existed. I live vicariously through fictional characters and plots and in my head form my future. I get lost in them and sometimes, if only for a short while, lost myself and forget all my worries. I’ve been to a few places recently that remind me of my past relationships too. Most people have songs or movies that remind me of someone, but to me, it seems that certain places I frequent remind me of past girls. It’s kind of tough, because I don’t think of it at first, but after I’m exposed the memories flow back to me. I don’t try to purposely avoid these places, it’s just tough to be sitting at a restaurant eating and then start remembering the last time I was there with whoever it may be. I think about how we laughed and what we did after and how much I miss it. Just part of the ongoing battle in my head and in my heart I suppose.

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

Another Day Another Ache

I think I watched The Notebook one too many times at work tonight. I should just stop all together because when I to the sentimental feelings just flow through me nonstop. Another learning experience to add to my books tonight. It was funny too because for once when I decided I was going to walk, I walked. I didn't think twice. I had a point to make and it was easier than in the past. I thought about doing something stupid and admitting to stupid mistakes I didn't even make, but I think I did the right think and diffused the situation in the easiest way possible. Things change so quickly and easily I am still amazed at times. Even in the plainest form beauty flows sweet. So comfortable yet not at the same time. When apart, the thoughts in my head glorify what truly isn't there. The love and affection seems to be felt from a distance - but in reality there is none - or not enough at least. I try to be smart but sometimes my gut isn't. I'm down with karma but I also like to think for myself. I listen to the opinions of my friends but at the same time I'll do as I please. The only true way to find out the answers to your questions is experience. I've found out many things for myself and many of those times the hard way. I sit and wait for the phone to ring - but then I think that maybe I'm waiting for it not to ring. I'm not sure what the outcome will be, but I think either way is okay with me. My pursuit seems endless at times. I think I try to make something out of what truly isn't there. It seems a light task but turns out to be to difficult to pursue. I rarely think of the future. I dream of what I want but don't try to hard to predict my own outcome. I wish there was an easier way to go about it all - like all of us had screeners. We could sit and wait until someone passed enough of our own predescribed tests to move on to the next level. I don't think I wasted my time. It was my time to give and did with it what I wanted. I don't think that I'd take it back either. Sure I may look back and think I was stupid, but thats how we learn isn't it? We can't make all the right decisions 100% of the time so it's good to screw up once in a while. No one got hurt and nothing was lost. Tomorrow is another sunny day. I'll run my routine and keep hoping that something comes my way.

People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care.
- unknown

Thoughts

I've learned a fair amount over the last week or so. Who my real friends are - the ones that are always there and know when you need them - even if its just to chat and take your mind off shit. That my family is still always there - when I need them the most, however much it hurts, they still have my back. What a relief it is to get rid of something I thought was something I needed - even if it wasn't my choice. My stress level has dissipated, or at least shifted to a better kind - if that makes any sense. I've had much more time to think and realize once again what it truly important to me. I've been through my share of hard times, not to say this is any better or worse, but I think I can cope better now when the going gets tough. I've seen the true colors of people where I never expected to, or at least tried to overlook. I've been surprised, and not surprised at the same time. I know that a solid ground is really all it takes to be happy. Broke, tired, sad or jobless - there is still much more to life no matter how hard it gets. New opportunities arise and new doors open. Times change and we roll with the punches and climb back to the top. My family and my two best friends always pick me up. I try my best not to rely on anyone else, but its good to know that when I need to I don't have to worry. I've dropped an ulcer from my life and I feel new again. Like I can finally put it behind - however hard it may be to recover - and move on to something better. Yes I am smart. I've been through enough to realize that. No one man and no one thing will ever keep me down. Trying to says a lot about the other person. Maybe take some time to look in the mirror and be secure with yourself before you unleash your insecurities on someone else. The stronger mind will always win over the stronger body.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... We are in charge of our attitudes.
- Charles Swindoll

My Thoughts

To sum up my feelings of the past few days ... don't worry, more to follow ..




Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
- Mark Twain

When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don't see the one that has opened for us.
- Alexander Graham Bell

Happiness

I find it interesting how ne single person can take my mind off my needless worries or wasted obsessions with the past. I have a tendency to dwell and I get caught up if there is nothing to distract me. I've learned many things from my past relationships and I've learned to mold my views to realize more of what I want for myself. I had a friend today say to me that he is sometimes scared entering a new relationship, but it's not good to enter into something jaded from the past. Its tough to want to open up and try something new without pre-judging and seeking out flaws before anything even begins. I've found that the only way to know for sure is try.

I've been constantly thinking of the past as of late - relationships and experiences - and I've been dwelling rather than moving forward. I met someone this past week who's company I enjoy immensely. I haven't been out with anyone "fun" in quite some time - and it feels incredible to be completely comfortable and constantly smiling when you're with someone. My mind has been taken off many of my worries and released the past. I've built up my expectations and I feel I know better now what to look for and I feel that I am partly there. I cannot explain the feeling of being free and happy nonstop. The extreme opposite end of the scale of worry I know all too well. The happiness has come to me and I'm sure it will keep a smile on my face for quite some time. I tread more careful than before and still things progress on par. Smiling feels good. Waking up in the morning wanting to start the day rather than dreading it is a lifted load.

You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

Lessons

Some people exaggerate some of the time for some of the wrong reasons. Other people exaggerate all of the time for all of the wrong reasons. I was shocked today early on - but I had a quick recovery when I realized that I've come too far in life to spend too much time dwelling on the little things. I used to get hung up and seek restitution but now I know when I shouldn't bother.

I had more fun tonight than I have with anyone in quite some time. I'll admit I underestimated but at the moment it couldn't be better. I was definitely surprised and still am. I'll be smiling through the night tonight I'm sure. Happiness is one of the few things that we make happen in life & no single person can take from us. It's just whether we choose to let it happen or not.

Forgive But Don't Forget

I've had it on my mind a lot as of late. I positively feel that you can't forget or "block out" any single part of a relationship gone bad. You must remember every piece of it and every minute of everyday. Doing away with the bad memories just creates a false bond that never existed. You create a fantasy where your mate was perfect. You remember all the times they made you smile and laugh. All the times you fell asleep next to each other. All the times you went out together or stayed home together. You don't remember all the times they made you cry. All the times you fought and refused to give in. All the times you got jealous or upset or knew in your mind it wouldn't work. Past relationships are all learning experiences for the future. They help us mold our vision of our perfect mate. They make us realize what we want in a person as well as in life. We learn from all our mistakes and experiences - good or bad - and use them to help us narrow our vision in the future. Anyone who tries to only remember the good points of a relationship is only kidding themself.

I had spent some time with a past love sometime after we had been split up. We laughed and smiled and enjoyed each others company. Constantly I asked myself why we shouldn't try again and constantly I had to hurt myself and recall the times I cried or yelled or got upset. It was difficult to do, but albeit the only way to make myself realize it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes we are engulfed by emotion and try and try until we are broken and tired. And most times that does more harm than good. I'm sure some people will say that time apart is good - and they mended their problems and everything worked out. I don't agree or disagree - however I think that you can only try so many times before you have to succumb to reality. There comes a point where you need to give in and realize what's right and what's not.

It hurts to lose someone. It hurts to know they will fall asleep next to someone else in the future and laugh and smile with them. Its that hurt that makes you want to work out the problems, but at the same time its what makes you realize its not meant to be. It's all a vicious circle. Basically - don't forget all the good times you had. And definitely never lose the bad times. Life is about learning, and then learning some more. We should never "try to forget" about any bad experiences. Doing so just makes a narrow minded ignorant person.

I'll end with this:

One cannot and must not try to erase the past

merely because it does not fit the present.

Lost Love

I was gonna write a whole little rant tonight ... but I'm tired .. and I read this today and it summed it all up .. so here ..


I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
Margaret Mitchell

Danger Zone

So aside from throwing off my week, I tended tonight instead of my usual Wednesday. Normal as a night working can be ... Until I decided to cut off a few unruly patrons who were getting on my nerves 2 minutes before last call (literally TWO minutes). One of the fine young gentlemen argued that I was "killing their party", but I explained kindly that the party was over and that was the end of the story. He protested some more and to my surprise actually paid his tab - but not surprisingly didn't leave a tip (0.00 isn't a tip right?). They left quietly. End of story. Oh wait not quite. Upon venturing out to start my snow covered car - I noticed that I had acquired a new look to my windshield wiper. It looked like a fancy sculpture in its bent shape and I wasn't sure to laugh or be pissed. I decided to laugh since Pop taught me to always be prepared and I had a spare wiper blade in my trunk. Ah ... Fun.

So I'm sitting here wondering what brings people to do the things they do. Emotion comes in to play yet again I suppose. Was his rage so uncontrollable that he needed to wreak havoc on my beloved vehicle to appease himself? I hope he feels better. Why do people need to vent themselves in such ways? I sometimes enjoy watching people that get cut off when they are overly intoxicated just to see how they react. I have never once had a good response from anyone. Just one of the hazards of my chosen profession I suppose. The good thing is that I don't have to worry about ever serving them again, the downside is that I need to go buy another wiper blade in case I get myself in a jam again. I'm glad I had a good upbringing and that I'm not stupid enough to take out my aggression on other people - only pillows and drywall. I think that people think the whole not tipping thing makes a statement - like I didn't see it coming (or not coming I guess). But to go above and beyond and vandalize my precious baby is just amusing to me. I guess I shouldn't find it too funny because it could have been a baseball bat to my windshield - but well, it wasn't so laugh it up. The best part is that they will deny it all and fight with me when I see them again and tell them I wont serve them. Thanks for the memories and a good dinner table story ....

Good Friends

I got the chance to hang out with some good friends the other night. It's been quite a while since I've been able to spend any length of time with them so it was very nice. We hung out at a little coffee joint that reminded me of one of my favorite restaurants in California. We listened to some great music and chatted a bit. It made me miss the old days when I had much more free time to do with what I pleased. It seems that the people that I most like to be around are the hardest ones to spend time with. They all have jobs and families and the time we used to have so much of seems to have dwindled down to not much of anything at all. Family parties, holidays - seems that special occasions are the only times we have with each other. It just makes me think because the people that I find myself surrounded by constantly - most but not all - are really not the company I'd like to keep at all. I guess it just makes you appreciate good friends that much more - I know they'll always be there no matter if days, weeks or months go by - we'll still get together and it will seem like no time has passed at all. It makes me feel good having them as well for a release from my normal monotony. They are my sanctuary in a sense. I've always been able to go to them with my problems, or help them with theirs, and I think we are all good at distracting each other from the normalities or everyday life. They are all real people - they've lived and have real jobs and experienced life both good and bad and we all learn from each other and I love them for it.

I've been observing people a lot lately too. Looking into relationships of my friends and acquaintances. I think the last few relationships I was in taught me a lot about myself and also what I want. My sister told me after one of my breakups that perhaps the purpose of the relationship was soley to learn what I wanted. I was so distraught and blinded that it started to make sense when it was put in a different light. I observe my friends and listening to what they say about their relationships or what they want and don't and it seems that some of them don't have enough experience to know what they want. They say they know but they are young and haven't experienced life. I think about where I was years ago and girls that interested me and I thought I'd marry - and when I look back I have no idea what I was thinking. I too at the time thought I would be set for life and get married and live happily every after. I think there is a certain age when you begin to realize that life isn't just about going out being a "kid". Its about people and good conversations and experience. One of my favorite B movie quotes - "It's not the meaning of life, its the feeling of life". No one takes time to breath now. I'm surprised I've been single now as long as I have. Where I used to jump from one girl to the next - I feel I've learned from myself and know better what I want. I think that the easiest lessons are learned by make mistakes. The first time is experience - the next time is a mistake.


So many things rushing through my noggin lately. I'm inundated with nonsensical thoughts - like my brain is trying to sort out my life for me without asking me first. That's a treat ... I think I need a CAT Scan before I go all Butterfly Effect reading my own shit ...

Misinterpretation

I think sometimes people read into things to easily as well. There are times when, myself included, people want to think they are smarter than the source and will read into things that are written or said and interpret them their own ways. Only the speaker or writer knows for sure what the intent of the statements was, yet outsiders believe that they can get the better of it by reading it a truly different way than it was intended. I'm all for creative criticism, but few people realize the line or know how to phrase their comments accordingly so as to not come off as ignorant or apathetic. I do like to listen to responses however as it tells a great deal about people, just from listening to how they react to something that was said or written. Everyone is complex in their own manner. Some things may not make sense to everyone, whether they want to believe it or not. The only error lies when someone tries to make something out of nothing - taking someone else’s words into their head and spitting out complete garbage as their interpretation of it. It sounds harsh but it’s the truth.

Another interesting thing is conversing with uneducated people. I like to consider myself well educated and I think I know a lot about many different things. I will never get involved in a conversation where I'm unsure of the topic or am not prepared to back up my views. However when the conversation pertains to something I feel strongly about, I'm all for an argument. Certain people refrain from these standards and attempt to get involved in conversations unknowing of the topic and get them stuck and look stupid in their words. I think it makes me smarter knowing to stay out of the conversation rather than try to talk my way through something I know nothing about. .

What's worse - Ignorance or Apathy?. .. . I don't know, and I don't care ......

On Track

I sometimes think about if I made all the right choices in life. I suppose everyone goes through the phase, but I find myself more often than not, thinking about if I did and what I could have done differently.

Take myself and my two closest friends. We all chose our own paths that started out with college right of of high school. After about two years we all took turns in different directions and landed us, nearly ten years later, in totally different places. I find myself hanging out in bars and socializing with people who are at the "spot" I was at 5 or 6 years ago. No one really takes notice, but I do. I like to observe and sometimes partake and remember what it was all about - but for the most part its tough for me to be a part of it. Why do I subject myself to it? Good question. There are a few of the people that are mature and realize that they need to be responsible. They enjoy themselves but not to excess and realize that there's more to life than bars and booze. The other half are continuously partying like there is no tomorrow and seem to have no responsibility at all. When you walk through the door its like entering another world where everyone is the same - only no one takes time to look beyond the shots and the beer to see that in reality, no one is the same. People make assumptions and say things based on their views of you. Rarely do people get to know one another in a bar setting to actually care what goes on in the "outside" world.

I've come across so many types of people in the bar setting that it totally intrigues me to sit and think about what each person is about. I'm tired of having the girls that lack any sense or respect or responsibility come straight out and torture themselves with endless amounts of alcohol, just looking for a hook up because they think you're "cute". My salesmanship skills want to come out at times and take advantage of any situation, but I try to remember to hold back. They never look beyond and see that there is more to me than the bottle in my left hand and the cigarette in my right.

Tonight I stared into nothing, sitting alone at the bar, thinking about my life. How I have to wake up tomorrow and go to work - where people see me as a totally different person. It's like there are two separate sides to me and I can't seem to find a way to break them apart - which is what I long for more than anything.. .




In other news - I am always interested in both sides of the story. The chase and the capture and the mistakes that prove deadly. Hearing both sides of a situation is enlightening and utterly intriguing. It's hard to sit and merely observe sometimes but I think that it helps everyone in one way or another. Relationships, good or bad, are learning experiences and nothing more. They are part of life and shouldn't be played with or taken for granted .. . .

Mistakes

When it comes to life and love . . .Mistakes are killer - for both parties. If you get interested in someone and change your ways to work it better - sometimes it can be a big sacrifice. What sucks is when you do, then the other half F's up something and comes crawling back and the tables are turned. Like if I throw myself out there and I'm doing things differently to please someone - then she screws up somewhere or somehow completely turning me away - and she'll come back apologizing and crying and all. So instantly everything pulls a 180 and what I was once smiling about praying for becomes my worst enemy. I was working so hard to win her over, then she turned me away by her words or actions and is now begging for forgiveness when I want nothing to do with it .. Its a vicious and utterly confusing cycle. Life works this way sometimes on the "There's someone for everyone" philosophy. Just another step in the road. Too many cliches to handle .. but it sucks regardless ... Just when things present themselves to break through the monotony of everyday, the black hole opens and right after the feeling of a sharp metal object in your chest, you drift into the spin again right back where you started . . .

Communication

I could never see where the lack in communication was with the last few girls I dated. I'm a big fan of it - but it seems terribly hard to come by. I'm not saying I need to know where my other half is 100% of the time, but I do like knowing what's going on when I'm not around. Am I wrong for thinking this?

I enjoy phone calls or conversations where "I'm going here with whomever tonight" isn't so tough to say. I've had numerous nights where I'd be working and think that she was at one place, then lost complete contact through unanswered calls and unreturned messages only to worry endlessly until I fell asleep. I don't think of it as an obsession or "stalkerish" - just respect in a sense. I have a needlessly worry side to me and it seems that no one I meet cares to take it away. Too many nights I can recall worrying myself to sleep wondering where she was or who she was with - sometimes out of jealousy but moreso out of worry. To me it doesn't seem all that hard to pick up the phone call, but maybe I'm wrong. If the reason for not calling is due to the fact that she was passed out drunk that opens up a whole new area - which I've been through and haven't really enjoyed.

I think its mostly the thoughts that race through my head when she doesn't answer the phone at 2am. I start worrying and wondering if something happened to her - and then go to the upset jealous me. That part comes when I think about her out partying and being irresponsible, completely loaded, hanging out with "friends" whom I've never even met. Maybe it's just me being an idiot, but I like to think that I'm caring and it would be appreciated and not go unnoticed as it has all too many times. Worry my life away .. That's what I do. I'll be in my coffin one day still worrying ...

Where Oh Where Can My Baby Be?

She still irks me immensely. I'm not even sure why I continue to associate with her. Partly because I enjoy her friendship & company and partly because I'm hoping to have sex when I see her. She called me last night, hungry, at nearly 4am. I thought with the wrong head and got out of bed and went out to grab a bite. She got on my nerves almost instantly but a few minutes later all was well. I know what I was hoping to achieve but somehow thought that she wasn't thinking the same. We ate and made it back home, and there we passed out. I know it was a waste. I was exhausted but had that glimmer of hope. I continue to try to be "friends" with her but I always end up feeling like shit in the end. It feels too much like we are back together - fighting and not having sex - and that's why it sucks. I need to find someway else to occupy my time instead of having false hopes of sex. That's the draw for me is that we will go shop or eat or something and then end up in bed together - but 9 out of 10 times that's not the case either.



She instantly woke up and decided to leave this morning - all in one fell swoop. She stashed some, "Mary Jane" as she calls it, in her sweater before leaving and shot me a cheap grin. I asked her what it was and she told me and stated she was "Transporting it". That's bullshit. I thought she had stopped and she proceeded to tell me that she still does it "sometimes". Whatever. The flashbacks are pouring in hardcore now. This is exactly why we split up. I can't get myself to realize it until these situations go down however. If I could only foresee the future I'd know they were coming and not have to worry about it. I try and try to not give in or want to go out with her or have her come over but it's too f'in hard. I think I need someone else to occupy my mind and that may be the only fix I have .... We shall see ...