Aloha au iā ‘oe

We bustle along and deal with the ongoings of life. Endless attempts to break the monotony. Constantly in search of smiles. We awake to hear the laugh we have come to love, and see the eyes that start us better than our morning coffee. Thoughts are plugged away, and some fail to reach out. We pry and stretch yet they stay put. When does the road open to us for good? It seems sometimes hearts drop in an instant for no reason. I still claim to be at my best. I've been dragged from the depths and found new beginnings. My smiles come without fail. There are still parts to pick and choose, but it feels better by the day. Sometimes I feel over-exerted, but its what makes my heart full so for that I don't think twice. I look down the line to the days in the future. I know my time will come. Everything will settle and the endless brewing thoughts will subside for good. Content. Happy. Life. I fear that there is still much unsaid. Much worry for naught. I wouldn't trade what I have for the world. I fall asleep each night steaming for what will come with the sunrise. Countless worlds I want to see and endless plans to take hold of. Every rose has its thorns. Our last words sometimes lead astray from other thoughts and wandering minds, but our hearts still hold tight. With time the gleam only grows. Never before have I had this glow, and I can't stand to lose it. My heart has been captured, and I await the day when my perfect comes together. Each day is better than the last, and one step closer to forever. I'll keep up my end for as long as my body will let me. I remember that day when we stared for hours. Who could have know it would have brought us here. I'm thankful for that ultimate decision and everything that ensued. I feel better than I can remember, and I hope the feeling never subsides. Here I stand, strong and willing. Words cannot describe yet I won't cease trying.

"Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end."

Sunshine On My Shoulder

It seems like the clouds have lifted. I feel great excitement laying to rest each night, knowing what waits for me when I wake the next day. The feeling is different than in the past. As my conscience once told me, the feeling would hit with a great and more purposeful impact when it was meant too - and I now know it was the truth. It is hard to explain simply the impulse that flows from the sensations surrounding me. It feels like a weight has been lifted and given me more to strive for and better things to look forward too than I had before. The sense of worry is present as is the past, but now it feels much lighter and less troublesome than it ever has been. Every departure only brings anxiety for the next meeting. The images of each meeting are vividly implanted in my head and grow larger as the days go by. I set out to prove myself as promised, and I intend to do so with all that I have. I have nothing holding me down, and time is on my side. I pray that the healed scars will not be opened as they were so many times before. I feel strongly enough that I've learned my fair share of lessons and learned from my mistakes, so that I don't stumble into any traps as I have so many times. It all feels like a fresh start and its utterly amazing and excitingly new. My head is clear and free to dream. I juggle thoughts of the road ahead and hope that they aren't in vain. Part of me stands back, while the other is full steam. In due time all of me will move forward, but for now I set to make her a believer. To stand behind my words and give what I said I could. I have no reason to think it's for naught. Soon enough the light will shine and the rivers will meet in the end. From then on the proof will stand and the smiles will shine on. I can't wait for that day - when the realization comes through. For now I keep my shine on and feel the comfort of knowing that each day brings more than the day before.

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik

In The Clouds

What does it take to win someone's heart? We have a fear of moving too fast or not fast enough. I suppose life always works itself out. I feel the excitment of showing my worth, but I worry that I won't have the chance. Hindsight is 20/20. Timing is everything. I hope that the odd week to come isn't enough to instill fear of being the norm. I hope that both hearts and minds are in the same position. She must know that its all for real. I pray that the time passes and the smiles flow freely. My heart will be my guide for the next few weeks. My mind is overloaded and I hope to integrate what I have now with what I know would be more than amazing. I can't deny that I'm scared - I suppose its only natural. I'm scared of it ending just as quick as it started, or that she won't be there when I call. I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen, but the fear will be there until her glow overtakes it.

A Fresh Start

Doors open and close. Opportunities come and go. The days I've trudged through have passed slowly at best. In time good things happen. Situations arise when least expected in the most unexpected ways. I thought nothing much of it at the start, but I know now that I couldn't have more wrong. I can't deny I was excited from the start, but I never could have known just how incredible it would turn out. I've learned from my past not to jump to conclusions. I won't make any assumptions. All the right answers were given to all the important questions. I had to pinch myself more than once in the five hour span and I'm thankful it didn't all disappear. Unbelievably comfortable and no less than amazing. Her eyes and her smile that lit the room. I can still see her glow. We talked endlessly and without regret. Her laugh intrigued me. We held nothing back. She accepted my offer to dance and couldn't have made me happier. The past months seem to slip from my mind. Time was lost to me and it didn't matter. Not in recent memory have I been able to be myself with someone as well as I was at this moment. I find it tough now to put into words the emotions that seep through me. The smile that appeared on my face a few short hours ago still lingers about and will most likely remain for quite a while. A part of me - as I'm sure her as well - wonders if it was all a flash out of reality. I'll set out to prove what its worth. To back up my words and not be any less than what I said I was. I have no doubt about fulfilling my end and only hope to see the same. I could go on and on but I can only pray that I have more inspiration in the upcoming days. My mind will be full for hours. The glow that surrounded me has gone for the moment, but with all good intentions will return in a short time. I think of her smile and her eyes. In my head they will remain. As I've said I've learned from my past and won't make assumptions. I hope for all the good that I feel to come out in time. I miss her already.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne

Incense And Peppermints

I never knew what it was liked to be cracked in the face with a left hook. All my years and never once did I get to know what it was like. I'm not saying it as if it were a good experience, just not sure how I made it so long without getting cranked. So anyway, it was a long story, and I caught the tail end of a left hook that was totally uncalled for. I spent about 4 hours in the ER getting my lip sewed up by a cosmetic surgeon. It was a great time. Only the second time in my life I've even been in the hospital too if ya believe that. So here I am now, I cant eat for about a week or so I don't get a big ol' lip infection. Joyous times for sure.

In other news, I got a message from a friend today that I haven't seen in ages. She's been seeing someone for two months or so, and it made me think (again) about my life. I haven't heard from her in a while and I kinda miss her being single and us talking all the time. Not much you can do though, I'm totally happy for her. I still sit and wonder when my time will come. I see all the people around me disappear with someone else every time I turn around. I know I've had my fair share, but it seems like the dry spell is lasting a bit too long. I think I'm in the whole phase where I have just decided to not think about it and see what happens. I'm tired of actively pursuing it and having nothing - so if I forget about it then its just the same right? I feel like the endless circle just goes on and on. I sit here today, after a loooong weekend, watching the snow fall - and wonder what it is I'm doing. I think about having someone to call and talk too, someone to come over and comfort me. Tis the season to be jolly. My spirits are still flying high - I'll keep my fingers crossed.

For What Its Worth

The minutes tick by and turn into weeks months and years. I talk to more people and see more things and watch more movies. Still I wonder when my time is. In that all out pursuit for the girl of my dreams. I've stumbled so many times along the way, and never quite made it. I go through my daily routine and try not to think about it, yet it still brews inside me. I think about when it will come. When I'll find the one I adore. To spend my days and nights with. To go on road trips or accompany me to family functions. The one I get butterflies about. I think of all the ones before that have been left behind. I envy those around me that have what I long for. I tell myself it will all come in time, but some days I'm not so sure. As I start to put myself back on a straight track and have a fresh start, I can't help but add that into my list of to do's. I know its out there - it has to be. I've said over and over I'm stuck in a monotonous routine of life. I want to break free of it and change my ways and have something to wake up to. I want someone to be there by my side when I need it. Someone who makes me smile and always wants to hear my voice. Someone to talk about with to my family and friends. To make me smile at the thought. Someone to come home too and drink wine with. Someone to make me feel something special. Everyday I go about my business and I'm overwhelmed by those that have beaten me to it. I think about where they are and what they do and can't help but notice the smiles on their faces. I haven't been out in ages. There have been no present opportunities to do so with anyone for any reason. I miss those days. The quiet nights on a Village sidewalk with some good wine and the sounds around us. The long walks in the park with the snow falling on our heads. Where did the time go? It seems like I had it all planned out and just never pulled through. I leave my phone at the ready and my porch light is always on. I wait for my doorbell to ring or to hear a voice that rings in my ears. I hope that someone is sitting and waiting just the same, and our paths will cross before its too late. As it is I sit and ponder, as I usually do, and hope for the best.

"You can’t make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth."

When you're down you're down ....

It seems like life comes in swells. When you're up you're up, and when you're down you're down. The bundles of happiness and sorrow seem to flow in like waves hitting the sand. They come in at a fast pace, ready to roll over anything in the way. After they crash and make their mark, another one is waiting right behind. It continues on and on and never ends. Just when I thought I had everything flowing back in the right direction, I get stunned with all types of things from different angles. I was just at the border, ready to crossover in my new realm, and the wave hit me and took me back even further than I would have thought. Problems brewed from everywhere. I woke up and felt like shit each day. I felt like my body was on fire day after day and I was just waiting to explode. I felt like some people were turning, and others were drifting away.



My plan for revitalization was falling apart and everything was a mess. I just from one extreme to the other in a heartbeat. I had strangers from the past arrive at my door, and got ripped to shreds by someone close when I least expected it. I suppose people sometimes don't think about the effects of their actions - physically or verbally - and they just let it out and its over. They never contemplate the course it takes on the receiver. I was a the end of a receiving line and I know, no matter what my conscience or constant spread of happiness wants to do, they will never regret it or apologize and I will be left to repair something I didn't break. It sucks really, but perhaps I'm a better person for it? Who knows. So yet another day where I try to put the pieces of the puzzle that is my life back together. I feel like I can crawl through a few days, up the ladder in the right direction, and then I fall off and have to start again. Its a drag really. I wish that for once everything could fall into place. The hecticness that I have would spread into normality, and my stress could be turned down to low. My numbers would match up, and I would look forward to waking up in the morning and starting my day. I wish that sometimes people didn't have little surprises in store that always seemed to spring at the wrong moment. If they stopped to look around once in a while, they could see things from the other side and maybe crack a smile and give up on hating life. I am still ever thankful for my once constant smile that is my saving grace. I'm surrounded by the tunes of sorrow mixed with joy and I attempt to sort everything the best I can. Day by day. So it goes ...

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. - Carl Jung